Kissing

For those of you who haven’t had a chance to turn in to my live Periscope on Thursday nights (6pm MST @smrtsexintimacy) please join us! Periscopes are available for 24 hours after every show.

I am currently writing this blog while sitting on a plane, headed out to Los Angeles. If you are in the LA area and want to schedule a one on one session or have me come hang out at a panel/podcast or other fun venue, please let me know! LA is only a short flight from my wonderful home in Salt Lake city. 

Today we’re going to talk about kissing, which is one of my favorite topics. I get that I say that about most topics, but that’s probably why I became a sexologist instead of just a health ed teacher like I’d planned. It dawned on me that I wasn’t exactly sure how I was going to write this or what I was going to say on the podcast, so I’m just going to talk about the benefits and share some random dinner table facts/tricks.

Kissing is the act of putting your mouth hole onto someone else’s body. Many people kiss culturally to say hello, some kisses are romantic, some kisses are friendly, some kisses are comforting and some kisses are silly. Kissing is a fairly universal concept globally and has many different reasons for being used.

Dinner table fact #1: Kissing is great for your teeth/oral health.

Your mouth is full of millions of different bacteria that are unique to you. If you practice good oral hygiene, these bacteria are friendly and good for your mouth. If you have unhealthy teeth/gums, you are able to pass some of those naughty bacteria to potential partners. When you kiss you’re giving someone else loads of your mouth bacteria like a little mouth vitamin. You’re sharing healthy bacteria in a way that allows the other body to learn to build up stronger bacteria.

Feel free to use that as a pick up line, especially with your sexy, nerdy friends.

People also start kissing at many different ages. Some people chase their classmates around the playground in primary school and kiss them, some people wait until marriage. There is no ‘right time’ when it comes to kissing as long as you and the other potential people you’re smooching are all comfortable with it.  

Random fact: My first kiss was at 17— comment below how old you were!!

Like with all sexual activities, everyone has their own style and technique. Some people are wet kissers, some people kiss with a little tongue, some are always closed mouth and some open their mouths so wide you can almost fit your mouth in their mouth. There is no wrong way to kiss, or no bad style, just your style. You can always change and often times do adapt, to new styles based on partners. If you want to see how you rank, I suggest you ask questions in a way that you will not be offended by the answer.

For example, saying “Am I a bad/good kisser?” to a partner point blank may make them feel awkward because they’re on the spot. Maybe they like kissing you because they like you, but your style may not be their favorite. You could possibly phrase it as “How do you like to be kissed?” to take a little pressure off them from feeling like they’re critiquing you. In that dialogue you may learn that they like less tongue and you remember you’ve been using tongue a lot— easy way for you to learn how to change without the sometimes awkward silence as the other party figures out what to say.

Dinner table fact #2: Kissing helps increase testosterone

Males typically have more testosterone in their bodies than females, and testosterone is a sexual hormone that helps with sex drive and increasing sex drive. When you kiss, and kiss for long enough, testosterone in a male’s saliva will get into your partner’s mouth and help increase their testosterone and thus help increase sex drive. Take away: Make out, Make out, Make out!!

To close I just wanted to encourage you all to relax just a little about whether or not you’re a good or bad kisser and pay slightly more attention to the cues your partner is sending to you.

Cant wait to post next week on sexual self esteem!!

Making The First Move

If you didn’t get the chance to tune in and listen to last weeks’ periscope (@smrtsexintimacy) on making a move please keep reading! 

I want to start off this blog by reiterating that consent is key, it just has to be there. While I don’t think you always need to explicitly ask for permission to make a move on someone- I think it’s important to notice certain clues. There is also something to be said about rejection. Rejection is not the worst thing to happen to you- rejection is an answer. If you are nervous and debate making a move and the situation gets drawn out with worry and you get invested and they are not interested you’re going to be more upset. If you try to make a move and they are not interested- you are free to move on and not dwell. Don’t worry, rejection happens to all of us.

How can I tell if someone is interested?

Have you ever been sitting by someone on the couch and they scoot closer? Maybe they go from sitting up straight to slouching a little so their arm/leg touches yours. Maybe that eye contact you’ve been noticing goes from your eyes to your lips and back while maintaining interest. 

Watching how someone responds to you with their body is a great way to start to gauge interest. Someone who may be interested or open to moving forward with something is going to be more available for contact. If the person sitting on the couch with you is sitting on the other side of the couch with their legs up under them, knees facing away from you—maybe ask them, instead of just assuming the clues.

I’m not against explicitly asking, many times in my life someone has asked me, ‘May I …” for whatever and it can be quite endearing. I’ve also heard the opposite as well, so it honestly depends. There was wonderful advice on the movie Hitch. Will Smith’s character (he’s very skilled with the ladies) is talking to Kevin James’ character (who is not skilled with the ladies) about moving in for the move and just going 90%. By not assuming the other party is interested, you allow them the chance to opt in with the 10%. 

A quick way to see if someone is open to you making a move is to make your 90% move. Scoot over by them on the couch- awkward, right? Its fine, life is awkward sometimes. Or you could make it a verbal 90% by asking if they want to sit by you or if you can sit by them. If walking, maybe brush your hand by their hand and see if they reach to hold it. Whisper in their ear and pull back just a little and wait (use discretion with this … Don’t be that person who just breathes hot air on someone’s cheek while they wait for it).

But Jordan, what do I do if I want to make a move though? How do I just DO it??

I’m going to share with you my go-to, favorite, trickster moves. There is almost no failure rate, and maybe that’s because I’m female, but maybe they’re just that good. Keep in mind I’m in my late twenties, not my early teens, and date men in their late twenties/early thirties. If these grade school tricks still work on adults, I’m sure there is no age limit on it. 

1. Get close.
1. Whisper stuff to them, this gets your mouth close to their mouth. You’ll be able to tell if they’re not stoked about it because they’ll tell you to back up or they will start coming up with silly stuff to whisper to you. I don’t care how macho you feel, grown men sometimes lean over and whisper silly stuff in people’s ears. 
2. Initiate Physical Contact
1. Like I alluded to earlier, get a hand/arm/leg/hip/back/ whatever to touch this person. Preferably skin to skin (Bare arm to bare arm, or whatever fancy thing you’re wearing that allows that). The feeling of skin on skin is arousing- or distressing, both are great clues for you!! 
3. Progress physical contact
1. You can be that person to ask for a ‘back scratch’. Do you know why people always make jokes about how back rubs in the front room lead to front rubs in the back room? Because it works. Tracing fingers on the back/front of hands (which are very sensitive) feels good and continues to stimulate the skin to skin contact that lets all sorts of great feel good hormones: These feel good hormones work in your favor!!
2. Hand tracing can go to arm tracing which can lead to shoulder and neck and … I mean… if you can touch the face, throat- you’re pretty set. Honestly, think about it, how many people do you let touch your throat? You’re not going to let someone you distrust touch such a vulnerable area on you, unless you thrive on danger, in that case you are an outlier.
4. Close it (kiss!! Kiss!!)
1. Start cheek if you want. Light, lingering cheek kisses can transform into pretty passionate smooches. People kiss their grandmothers on the cheek. Culturally, cheek kisses are not intimidating- people use them to say ‘hello!’ This does allow people to exercise their 10% though. If a cheek kiss is all it’s going to be- that’s all it’s going to be. If the person who is attached to the cheek you just kissed is wanting more, they’re going to make it more.

I hope this helps. Honestly. Let me know if you have any other good tips below or on our Facebook page! I’m always looking for ways to help my clients grow and succeed. Has this worked on you or have you used this before? I can’t be the only one who goes from giggles and tickling to kisses and conversation.  Check back here next week for our summary on ‘Sex and pain’ (or just tune in live 4/14/16).

Xoxo,

JR.