Feelings of Dissapointment

There are times as a sex coach where I will talk to a couple who is having sexual struggles. While some struggles may seem larger or smaller than others, they all feel like big problems. As a sexual partner, you love and care about your spouse. You want to show them how much you care and experience the beauty that is your sexuality with them. There are times in every relationship where sometimes the ideas that we have about our sexuality aren’t always in line with what happens. 

You may have phases of your intimate relationship where sex and desire are high, orgasms come easy and you don't think that anything will every change-- but if for whatever reason when it does (which is normal, natural and very rarely permanent) it can leave you feeling detached and depressed. You and your partner may struggle reaching climax, the hungry desire you once felt may be non-existent now or maybe you are struggling to reach orgasm...or admit that you have never had one.

We live in a society where so much of our sexuality is based on performance. “Good” sexuality is good when one person can bring their partner to orgasm with traditional, penetrative sex and everything else feels subpar. When you watch sex in the media, you see beautiful people/bodies having quick, passionate and seemingly effortless sex. They seem to know exactly what to do to bring their partners to ecstasy in just a few minutes, like they’ve known each other’s bodies for decades—after only knowing each other for 30 minutes of the movie/scene of porn.  It can be hard to compete with that when you have only known your partner a few months/years and you’re still figuring out what they like. Sex isn’t always sexy, or easy or glamorous. People get sweaty, make weird noises, people get crushed/elbowed/roll too far away/change positions too rapidly/erections come and go. 

Sometimes sexual experiences are fast and hot and orgasms come easily, sometimes it may feel like you have been having sex (feeling unsuccessful) for over an hour and you’re no closer to orgasms than when you started, which can leave you feeling broken and bad at sex. It’s important to remember that with the disappointing sexual experience that you have also had great ones.

Remember…

Sex is an expression of love and bonding, a way to connect intimately and personally with one another. At times it’s easy to get caught up in the idea that penetrative sex that leads to orgasm is the only successful type of sex there is, but when you step back and remember that sex is more than just a cocktail of hormones dumped into our brain – it is a divine and beautiful way to connect to another soul – it can take some of the pressure to finish off your shoulders.

If your partner struggles with orgasm, either acutely (from stress/anxiety/other) or chronically (from Medication, trauma or medical conditions) that this is not a reflection on you or their feelings for you. There can understandingly be stress, frustration and sadness about not being able to give your partner the gift of orgasm but that does not mean that you are any less of a person, lover and partner to them. There are many couples who have never had the ability to orgasm together and that struggle with penetrative intercourse (for various reasons), but that does not make their intimate interactions any less valid, fulfilling or erotic.

If you listen to, love and encourage your partner sexually: You are a good sexual partner. Bringing your partner to orgasm is not the sole indicator of whether you are a good lover- the ability to listen and work with your partner is.

The brain is the largest sex organ we have, and the sexiest thing someone can do in bed is to open their mouth and make words come out. If you can express your feelings (for good or bad) to your partner, you are a good lover. Don’t get caught up on the performance that is sexuality, and let yourself be overcome by the beauty that the connection of sex brings between you.

If you are a partner that struggles with orgasm, you are not alone. There are many sexually active individuals that struggle from time to time and you should not feel bad. A lot of what I said above goes for you, too. You are not broken or defective (and if you have medical conditions, there are always things that can be done to help). Don’t feel pressured to orgasm, and communicate to your partner that they shouldn’t feel pressured to help you achieve orgasm. Sometimes, for whatever the reason, our bodies decide they want to do something else besides that—but will return to homeostasis at a later date. 

Enjoy all the feelings and sensations that being with your partner gives you. Relish on the things that make you excited and celebrate the things you enjoy. There is no right or wrong way to have sex, and each person is a unique sexual being who has a body that responds different than everyone else. The best part of sexuality with your partner is that you get to learn and grow sexually with them. You will learn about things that they enjoy about their body, they will learn things that you enjoy with your body and together you will discover all new ways to enjoy your bodies together. Sex and the gospel is not for sport, and is for enrichment and growth. Don’t let yourself get caught up or feel bad when you aren’t measuring up to your ideals. It’s normal to have goals in ever facet of our lives, but don’t get discouraged if you don’t hit them 100% of the time.

Have patience with yourself and each other and know that by not being exactly where you are sexually means that you just get to have lots of practice until you’re where you’d like to be: and who doesn’t enjoy that.

Making The First Move

If you didn’t get the chance to tune in and listen to last weeks’ periscope (@smrtsexintimacy) on making a move please keep reading! 

I want to start off this blog by reiterating that consent is key, it just has to be there. While I don’t think you always need to explicitly ask for permission to make a move on someone- I think it’s important to notice certain clues. There is also something to be said about rejection. Rejection is not the worst thing to happen to you- rejection is an answer. If you are nervous and debate making a move and the situation gets drawn out with worry and you get invested and they are not interested you’re going to be more upset. If you try to make a move and they are not interested- you are free to move on and not dwell. Don’t worry, rejection happens to all of us.

How can I tell if someone is interested?

Have you ever been sitting by someone on the couch and they scoot closer? Maybe they go from sitting up straight to slouching a little so their arm/leg touches yours. Maybe that eye contact you’ve been noticing goes from your eyes to your lips and back while maintaining interest. 

Watching how someone responds to you with their body is a great way to start to gauge interest. Someone who may be interested or open to moving forward with something is going to be more available for contact. If the person sitting on the couch with you is sitting on the other side of the couch with their legs up under them, knees facing away from you—maybe ask them, instead of just assuming the clues.

I’m not against explicitly asking, many times in my life someone has asked me, ‘May I …” for whatever and it can be quite endearing. I’ve also heard the opposite as well, so it honestly depends. There was wonderful advice on the movie Hitch. Will Smith’s character (he’s very skilled with the ladies) is talking to Kevin James’ character (who is not skilled with the ladies) about moving in for the move and just going 90%. By not assuming the other party is interested, you allow them the chance to opt in with the 10%. 

A quick way to see if someone is open to you making a move is to make your 90% move. Scoot over by them on the couch- awkward, right? Its fine, life is awkward sometimes. Or you could make it a verbal 90% by asking if they want to sit by you or if you can sit by them. If walking, maybe brush your hand by their hand and see if they reach to hold it. Whisper in their ear and pull back just a little and wait (use discretion with this … Don’t be that person who just breathes hot air on someone’s cheek while they wait for it).

But Jordan, what do I do if I want to make a move though? How do I just DO it??

I’m going to share with you my go-to, favorite, trickster moves. There is almost no failure rate, and maybe that’s because I’m female, but maybe they’re just that good. Keep in mind I’m in my late twenties, not my early teens, and date men in their late twenties/early thirties. If these grade school tricks still work on adults, I’m sure there is no age limit on it. 

1. Get close.
1. Whisper stuff to them, this gets your mouth close to their mouth. You’ll be able to tell if they’re not stoked about it because they’ll tell you to back up or they will start coming up with silly stuff to whisper to you. I don’t care how macho you feel, grown men sometimes lean over and whisper silly stuff in people’s ears. 
2. Initiate Physical Contact
1. Like I alluded to earlier, get a hand/arm/leg/hip/back/ whatever to touch this person. Preferably skin to skin (Bare arm to bare arm, or whatever fancy thing you’re wearing that allows that). The feeling of skin on skin is arousing- or distressing, both are great clues for you!! 
3. Progress physical contact
1. You can be that person to ask for a ‘back scratch’. Do you know why people always make jokes about how back rubs in the front room lead to front rubs in the back room? Because it works. Tracing fingers on the back/front of hands (which are very sensitive) feels good and continues to stimulate the skin to skin contact that lets all sorts of great feel good hormones: These feel good hormones work in your favor!!
2. Hand tracing can go to arm tracing which can lead to shoulder and neck and … I mean… if you can touch the face, throat- you’re pretty set. Honestly, think about it, how many people do you let touch your throat? You’re not going to let someone you distrust touch such a vulnerable area on you, unless you thrive on danger, in that case you are an outlier.
4. Close it (kiss!! Kiss!!)
1. Start cheek if you want. Light, lingering cheek kisses can transform into pretty passionate smooches. People kiss their grandmothers on the cheek. Culturally, cheek kisses are not intimidating- people use them to say ‘hello!’ This does allow people to exercise their 10% though. If a cheek kiss is all it’s going to be- that’s all it’s going to be. If the person who is attached to the cheek you just kissed is wanting more, they’re going to make it more.

I hope this helps. Honestly. Let me know if you have any other good tips below or on our Facebook page! I’m always looking for ways to help my clients grow and succeed. Has this worked on you or have you used this before? I can’t be the only one who goes from giggles and tickling to kisses and conversation.  Check back here next week for our summary on ‘Sex and pain’ (or just tune in live 4/14/16).

Xoxo,

JR.

Learning YOUR Roadmap!

I feel like that is a delicate way to talk about masturbation. I was recently looking through my Facebook news feed and saw a great article about masturbation and whether or not it was actually good for you.

I am from a fairly conservative area of the United States, and as with some other more conservative areas- there were all sorts of taboos about masturbation and what it would do to you.

No, I'm not saying that you have to masturbate if you currently aren't (but you would be in good company if you did-even if you have a partner) but there are plenty of benefits for it. I just want to help you to be an informed consumer.

I'm going to quickly highlight the one reason I feel the strongest about as a sexual educator:

Learning your personal roadmap

Have you ever been to a new city and you're not exactly sure where you're going ... and you're with someone who hasn't been to this city either? You feel kind of stressed out and awkward, but you have a smart phone that has GPS and you can sort of figure it out. It's not always easy and it may take you two some time to figure out where you're going but eventually you get there.

Contrast that to the same scenario but one of you is pretty familiar with where you are. Maybe they're not as familiar, but they know enough about the area that you don't really need your GPS and can sort of wing it. You can enjoy the car ride and looking at the scenery without being too concerned, because one of you knows the ropes.

...see where I'm heading with this?

Have you noticed how at ease you can be traveling with a local? Not only do they know exactly where they're going but they can take you to all the cool places you might not have found on your own. While its true that maybe you could have found that super delicious pancake house if you drove around enough- or stumbled on that really cool food truck- the added help of an expert will let you have the peace of mind that you're in good hands.

So let's talk about those hands.

Being a local doesn't mean you have to masturbate all of the time. Being a local may mean different things to everyone. I would suggest that you sit down and at least take a look at all you have to offer with a handheld mirror (that works a little easier for those of us who are female bodied) and check it out. This can be great for both personal and health reasons. Knowing what your body looks like when it is healthy can alert you to problems if you notice something doesn't look quite right. 

While I do suggest you test the waters on your own, you do not have to do this all the time if you feel uncomfortable doing so. This may just be a learning exercise for you and not an addition to your current sex life.

When you know what roads to take, and which roads to avoid (and which roads lead to dead ends) you can tell your partner and that will help your journey be all the more enjoyable. 

I want to reassure you that you are not a dirty/bad person for looking at your genitals. If you are concerned about this, aren't sure what you're seeing, would like some reassurance-- please reach out to me and I would be happy to coach you through exercises of learning your own, personal roadmap.

xoxo,

Jordan

What is a "Sex Coach"?

A sex coach is your ally. A sex coach is a sex-positive, holistic, non-therapy practitioner who helps you navigate your sexuality and helps you get the sex you want.

Through a personal, private and tailored approach you will be able to get the answers to the questions you've had.  Where you fall on the gender scale or orientation scale doesn't matter-- the goal with sex coaching is to help YOU get the sex that you are looking for.  

Sex coaching does not involve or require any nudity or touching from either clients or coaches and all of your information is classified and private. As a sex coach, I will never coerce, demand or pressure you into doing something you're not comfortable with. My job is to help you and provide information- not give you a timeline about when and how you should approach your sexual milestones.

Don't get me wrong, I'm going to do my best to help push you to hit your goals- I am a coach after all! Together as coach and client we make a team, and with goals in mind we will work together to achieve them. 

Due to the nature of our work, I only work with clients who are of legal age (18+). This helps me not get tangled up in red tape and allows me to go into detailed education without infringing on the rights of minors and their parents.

At the Smart Sex and Intimacy Institute we do one-on-one private coaching, couple coaching, group sessions (Including bachelor/bachelorette parties) and educational lectures. If you would like to have an expert guest speak to a school/religious/community event, please reach out to me!

What are you waiting for? Let's get you the sex life you DESERVE!