Feelings of Dissapointment

There are times as a sex coach where I will talk to a couple who is having sexual struggles. While some struggles may seem larger or smaller than others, they all feel like big problems. As a sexual partner, you love and care about your spouse. You want to show them how much you care and experience the beauty that is your sexuality with them. There are times in every relationship where sometimes the ideas that we have about our sexuality aren’t always in line with what happens. 

You may have phases of your intimate relationship where sex and desire are high, orgasms come easy and you don't think that anything will every change-- but if for whatever reason when it does (which is normal, natural and very rarely permanent) it can leave you feeling detached and depressed. You and your partner may struggle reaching climax, the hungry desire you once felt may be non-existent now or maybe you are struggling to reach orgasm...or admit that you have never had one.

We live in a society where so much of our sexuality is based on performance. “Good” sexuality is good when one person can bring their partner to orgasm with traditional, penetrative sex and everything else feels subpar. When you watch sex in the media, you see beautiful people/bodies having quick, passionate and seemingly effortless sex. They seem to know exactly what to do to bring their partners to ecstasy in just a few minutes, like they’ve known each other’s bodies for decades—after only knowing each other for 30 minutes of the movie/scene of porn.  It can be hard to compete with that when you have only known your partner a few months/years and you’re still figuring out what they like. Sex isn’t always sexy, or easy or glamorous. People get sweaty, make weird noises, people get crushed/elbowed/roll too far away/change positions too rapidly/erections come and go. 

Sometimes sexual experiences are fast and hot and orgasms come easily, sometimes it may feel like you have been having sex (feeling unsuccessful) for over an hour and you’re no closer to orgasms than when you started, which can leave you feeling broken and bad at sex. It’s important to remember that with the disappointing sexual experience that you have also had great ones.

Remember…

Sex is an expression of love and bonding, a way to connect intimately and personally with one another. At times it’s easy to get caught up in the idea that penetrative sex that leads to orgasm is the only successful type of sex there is, but when you step back and remember that sex is more than just a cocktail of hormones dumped into our brain – it is a divine and beautiful way to connect to another soul – it can take some of the pressure to finish off your shoulders.

If your partner struggles with orgasm, either acutely (from stress/anxiety/other) or chronically (from Medication, trauma or medical conditions) that this is not a reflection on you or their feelings for you. There can understandingly be stress, frustration and sadness about not being able to give your partner the gift of orgasm but that does not mean that you are any less of a person, lover and partner to them. There are many couples who have never had the ability to orgasm together and that struggle with penetrative intercourse (for various reasons), but that does not make their intimate interactions any less valid, fulfilling or erotic.

If you listen to, love and encourage your partner sexually: You are a good sexual partner. Bringing your partner to orgasm is not the sole indicator of whether you are a good lover- the ability to listen and work with your partner is.

The brain is the largest sex organ we have, and the sexiest thing someone can do in bed is to open their mouth and make words come out. If you can express your feelings (for good or bad) to your partner, you are a good lover. Don’t get caught up on the performance that is sexuality, and let yourself be overcome by the beauty that the connection of sex brings between you.

If you are a partner that struggles with orgasm, you are not alone. There are many sexually active individuals that struggle from time to time and you should not feel bad. A lot of what I said above goes for you, too. You are not broken or defective (and if you have medical conditions, there are always things that can be done to help). Don’t feel pressured to orgasm, and communicate to your partner that they shouldn’t feel pressured to help you achieve orgasm. Sometimes, for whatever the reason, our bodies decide they want to do something else besides that—but will return to homeostasis at a later date. 

Enjoy all the feelings and sensations that being with your partner gives you. Relish on the things that make you excited and celebrate the things you enjoy. There is no right or wrong way to have sex, and each person is a unique sexual being who has a body that responds different than everyone else. The best part of sexuality with your partner is that you get to learn and grow sexually with them. You will learn about things that they enjoy about their body, they will learn things that you enjoy with your body and together you will discover all new ways to enjoy your bodies together. Sex and the gospel is not for sport, and is for enrichment and growth. Don’t let yourself get caught up or feel bad when you aren’t measuring up to your ideals. It’s normal to have goals in ever facet of our lives, but don’t get discouraged if you don’t hit them 100% of the time.

Have patience with yourself and each other and know that by not being exactly where you are sexually means that you just get to have lots of practice until you’re where you’d like to be: and who doesn’t enjoy that.

Kissing

For those of you who haven’t had a chance to turn in to my live Periscope on Thursday nights (6pm MST @smrtsexintimacy) please join us! Periscopes are available for 24 hours after every show.

I am currently writing this blog while sitting on a plane, headed out to Los Angeles. If you are in the LA area and want to schedule a one on one session or have me come hang out at a panel/podcast or other fun venue, please let me know! LA is only a short flight from my wonderful home in Salt Lake city. 

Today we’re going to talk about kissing, which is one of my favorite topics. I get that I say that about most topics, but that’s probably why I became a sexologist instead of just a health ed teacher like I’d planned. It dawned on me that I wasn’t exactly sure how I was going to write this or what I was going to say on the podcast, so I’m just going to talk about the benefits and share some random dinner table facts/tricks.

Kissing is the act of putting your mouth hole onto someone else’s body. Many people kiss culturally to say hello, some kisses are romantic, some kisses are friendly, some kisses are comforting and some kisses are silly. Kissing is a fairly universal concept globally and has many different reasons for being used.

Dinner table fact #1: Kissing is great for your teeth/oral health.

Your mouth is full of millions of different bacteria that are unique to you. If you practice good oral hygiene, these bacteria are friendly and good for your mouth. If you have unhealthy teeth/gums, you are able to pass some of those naughty bacteria to potential partners. When you kiss you’re giving someone else loads of your mouth bacteria like a little mouth vitamin. You’re sharing healthy bacteria in a way that allows the other body to learn to build up stronger bacteria.

Feel free to use that as a pick up line, especially with your sexy, nerdy friends.

People also start kissing at many different ages. Some people chase their classmates around the playground in primary school and kiss them, some people wait until marriage. There is no ‘right time’ when it comes to kissing as long as you and the other potential people you’re smooching are all comfortable with it.  

Random fact: My first kiss was at 17— comment below how old you were!!

Like with all sexual activities, everyone has their own style and technique. Some people are wet kissers, some people kiss with a little tongue, some are always closed mouth and some open their mouths so wide you can almost fit your mouth in their mouth. There is no wrong way to kiss, or no bad style, just your style. You can always change and often times do adapt, to new styles based on partners. If you want to see how you rank, I suggest you ask questions in a way that you will not be offended by the answer.

For example, saying “Am I a bad/good kisser?” to a partner point blank may make them feel awkward because they’re on the spot. Maybe they like kissing you because they like you, but your style may not be their favorite. You could possibly phrase it as “How do you like to be kissed?” to take a little pressure off them from feeling like they’re critiquing you. In that dialogue you may learn that they like less tongue and you remember you’ve been using tongue a lot— easy way for you to learn how to change without the sometimes awkward silence as the other party figures out what to say.

Dinner table fact #2: Kissing helps increase testosterone

Males typically have more testosterone in their bodies than females, and testosterone is a sexual hormone that helps with sex drive and increasing sex drive. When you kiss, and kiss for long enough, testosterone in a male’s saliva will get into your partner’s mouth and help increase their testosterone and thus help increase sex drive. Take away: Make out, Make out, Make out!!

To close I just wanted to encourage you all to relax just a little about whether or not you’re a good or bad kisser and pay slightly more attention to the cues your partner is sending to you.

Cant wait to post next week on sexual self esteem!!

Sex and Pain

If you didn’t get the chance to tune in and listen to last weeks’ periscope (@smrtsexintimacy) on making a move please keep reading! 

Here are the things I’m going to let you know upfront: I am not a doctor. I am not going to tell you I know all the answers to the complex mysteries of pain and sexual activity and am going to do my best to provide you with some points to steer you into a good direction. The human body is beautifully complex and has many areas where possible breakdowns may occur. If you have not already talked to a doctor about the pain you are feeling, I highly suggest making a quick appointment.

Process

Pain is your body’s natural response to unpleasant stimulus. The pain we talked about on the periscope was not the, this hurts so good! Type of pain either. This is the kind of pain where it is no longer fun, easy and is distracting.  

When discussing pain, I usually hear more about pain from female bodied individuals, though there can be pain for men in regards to size and fit in their partners. Anal sex play comes up with both parties as being uncomfortable and painful at times. In regards to pain with anal play, I beg you, do not use a numbing lubricant. Pain is not a fluke but a result of improper techniques. If you are feeling pain during anal sex play here are some simple tips:

1. Slow down: Rushing into this activity doesn’t allow for the body to be sufficiently ready to accept penetration. The anus/colon is not built like a vagina and isn’t made for quick, aggressive thrusting. The tubing isn’t the same shape, it bends and curves. Take your time to warm up. It’s ok—wouldn’t you rather take a little time and be able to do more than hustle into the activity and ruin future chances of more play?

2. Get a good lube:  Also unlike the vagina, the colon/anus doesn’t secrete it’s own lube and needs some help for things to flow. My personal recommendation is to get a good silicone lube, with one caveat: If you are using silicone toys, you cannot use a silicone lube. Silicone is not compatible with silicone on a chemical level and will melt your toys. The benefit of silicone from an anal play stand point is that it does not dry out like a water based lube would. Down side, (other than melting some toys) is that it does leave little stains if you get a gob of it on your fabric/sheets. 

When it comes to pain from vaginal sex, those two points also apply, but making sure both parties are adequately aroused. When the female body is aroused, it swells with blood and becomes ready for sex. If the body is not fully aroused sometimes things will feel tighter than normal, pull more, pinch and sometimes your partner won’t be able to go as deep. Remember: the female body is like a crockpot, it gets really hot but it takes a few minutes.

Physical Breakdowns

There are times where simply slowing down and using good lube will not be enough. There are certain pain disorders (Vaginismus is the biggest) in which the pain comes from a neurologic place and not an unready place. Vaginismus is an intense muscular contraction that makes it difficult for any type of penetration to occur. Penetration problems extend in more than just sexual, and situations like PAP smears or using tampons/cups can also create pain. Vaginismus can be a lifelong problem, occur after trauma, be acute or chronic. Like many physical breakdowns that can happen in the system, sometimes there is a clear explanation as to why and sometimes there is no rhyme or reason. 

There are physical therapists trained to work with pelvic floor muscles, therapists that specialize in vaginismus and wonderful sex coaches. I will be the first to admit that issues surrounding Vaginismus are not my area of expertise, but I would love to recommend you to someone in my network for help if you’d like.

Be patient with yourself. This is not something you did wrong or something you deserve. There is nothing bad or broken with you and you should try to remove any shame you feel surrounding this. While sexual penetration, which seems to me the  main course for many people, may feel like something that is out of reach to you- you are probably really great at all the appetizers. Cultivate a wide platter of delicious appetizers that you enjoy, make YOU feel sexy and are fun for you. 

Life Milestones

There are changes in your body that can create pain as well! These can be short term or longer term changes but are easily adjusted. Remember what I said above: Lube and patience! 

1. Pregnancy: For some, pregnancy is some of the best sex they’ve had. There is an increased blood flow to your genital areas causing swelling and sensation. For others, the pain of pregnancy and finding ways to accommodate your new/changing body can be difficult. Positions you used to like cause strain on your belly or are uncomfortable. Swelling breasts and tender nipples may not be as fun to play with as they were pre-pregnancy. If this is the case for you, just find something that works for you and your partner. Maybe you might not be able to do the same types of acrobatics that you did pre-pregnancy. Maybe experiment more with oral stimulation so you can enjoy the new fullness of your vulva! Do what makes you feel comfortable and happy- and make sure to communicate with your partner. 

2. Menopause: This is such an amazing life milestone, similar to pregnancy, where you get to have a rebirth of yourself! You no longer have to worry about pregnancy, you can just relax and enjoy free, unbridled sexual adventures. Some women experience pain because your body stops producing the same amounts of estrogen as it did pre-menopause, which makes your vaginal wall, mons pubis, and inner/outer labia slightly stiffer/thinner. Your body also may not lubricate the same as it did before menopause. There is nothing wrong with this, and chance are if you are having regular sexual adventures, your body will move seamlessly through menopause (If you don’t use it you’ll lose it). If you are feeling a pinching, pulling, painful sensation when you are being sexual my best advice is to …get a good lube and take your time.

I know, I know, I could have made this post one paragraph long and talk about good lubes (I always recommend Sliquid and anything they’ve ever made because it’s my personal favorite) but I wanted to elaborate a little. If you have any questions you can reach out to me via email, Twitter, Facebook, YouTube…honestly just chat me and I’d be happy to answer your questions. In closing I’d like to disclose this important point: 

Too often lack of communication comes off as lack of interest. I can understand and empathize that having pain during sexual activity may not make you feel sexy or desirable. Flinching and gasps may also come across as being playful if you partner does not understand your pain (Let’s be honest, I’ve heard people talk about how gasps/moans are very sexy but if you’re moaning in pain and your partner can’t tell they don’t know how to fix it!) . Bottling up emotion then letting it out in one sudden burst of “I hate this and it hurts!” or slowly denying sexual advances with no explanation can hurt both you and your partner’s sexual self-esteem. Save you guys some emotional heartache by expressing that you are feeling pain or speaking up. If you need a third party to help we can set up a conference call.

Can’t wait to talk to you guys about rapid (early) ejaculation tomorrow at 7pm! Also just a heads up, I will be in the Los Angeles area next week so my Periscope on kissing will be at 6pm PST instead of 7pm MST.

Making The First Move

If you didn’t get the chance to tune in and listen to last weeks’ periscope (@smrtsexintimacy) on making a move please keep reading! 

I want to start off this blog by reiterating that consent is key, it just has to be there. While I don’t think you always need to explicitly ask for permission to make a move on someone- I think it’s important to notice certain clues. There is also something to be said about rejection. Rejection is not the worst thing to happen to you- rejection is an answer. If you are nervous and debate making a move and the situation gets drawn out with worry and you get invested and they are not interested you’re going to be more upset. If you try to make a move and they are not interested- you are free to move on and not dwell. Don’t worry, rejection happens to all of us.

How can I tell if someone is interested?

Have you ever been sitting by someone on the couch and they scoot closer? Maybe they go from sitting up straight to slouching a little so their arm/leg touches yours. Maybe that eye contact you’ve been noticing goes from your eyes to your lips and back while maintaining interest. 

Watching how someone responds to you with their body is a great way to start to gauge interest. Someone who may be interested or open to moving forward with something is going to be more available for contact. If the person sitting on the couch with you is sitting on the other side of the couch with their legs up under them, knees facing away from you—maybe ask them, instead of just assuming the clues.

I’m not against explicitly asking, many times in my life someone has asked me, ‘May I …” for whatever and it can be quite endearing. I’ve also heard the opposite as well, so it honestly depends. There was wonderful advice on the movie Hitch. Will Smith’s character (he’s very skilled with the ladies) is talking to Kevin James’ character (who is not skilled with the ladies) about moving in for the move and just going 90%. By not assuming the other party is interested, you allow them the chance to opt in with the 10%. 

A quick way to see if someone is open to you making a move is to make your 90% move. Scoot over by them on the couch- awkward, right? Its fine, life is awkward sometimes. Or you could make it a verbal 90% by asking if they want to sit by you or if you can sit by them. If walking, maybe brush your hand by their hand and see if they reach to hold it. Whisper in their ear and pull back just a little and wait (use discretion with this … Don’t be that person who just breathes hot air on someone’s cheek while they wait for it).

But Jordan, what do I do if I want to make a move though? How do I just DO it??

I’m going to share with you my go-to, favorite, trickster moves. There is almost no failure rate, and maybe that’s because I’m female, but maybe they’re just that good. Keep in mind I’m in my late twenties, not my early teens, and date men in their late twenties/early thirties. If these grade school tricks still work on adults, I’m sure there is no age limit on it. 

1. Get close.
1. Whisper stuff to them, this gets your mouth close to their mouth. You’ll be able to tell if they’re not stoked about it because they’ll tell you to back up or they will start coming up with silly stuff to whisper to you. I don’t care how macho you feel, grown men sometimes lean over and whisper silly stuff in people’s ears. 
2. Initiate Physical Contact
1. Like I alluded to earlier, get a hand/arm/leg/hip/back/ whatever to touch this person. Preferably skin to skin (Bare arm to bare arm, or whatever fancy thing you’re wearing that allows that). The feeling of skin on skin is arousing- or distressing, both are great clues for you!! 
3. Progress physical contact
1. You can be that person to ask for a ‘back scratch’. Do you know why people always make jokes about how back rubs in the front room lead to front rubs in the back room? Because it works. Tracing fingers on the back/front of hands (which are very sensitive) feels good and continues to stimulate the skin to skin contact that lets all sorts of great feel good hormones: These feel good hormones work in your favor!!
2. Hand tracing can go to arm tracing which can lead to shoulder and neck and … I mean… if you can touch the face, throat- you’re pretty set. Honestly, think about it, how many people do you let touch your throat? You’re not going to let someone you distrust touch such a vulnerable area on you, unless you thrive on danger, in that case you are an outlier.
4. Close it (kiss!! Kiss!!)
1. Start cheek if you want. Light, lingering cheek kisses can transform into pretty passionate smooches. People kiss their grandmothers on the cheek. Culturally, cheek kisses are not intimidating- people use them to say ‘hello!’ This does allow people to exercise their 10% though. If a cheek kiss is all it’s going to be- that’s all it’s going to be. If the person who is attached to the cheek you just kissed is wanting more, they’re going to make it more.

I hope this helps. Honestly. Let me know if you have any other good tips below or on our Facebook page! I’m always looking for ways to help my clients grow and succeed. Has this worked on you or have you used this before? I can’t be the only one who goes from giggles and tickling to kisses and conversation.  Check back here next week for our summary on ‘Sex and pain’ (or just tune in live 4/14/16).

Xoxo,

JR.

Learning YOUR Roadmap!

I feel like that is a delicate way to talk about masturbation. I was recently looking through my Facebook news feed and saw a great article about masturbation and whether or not it was actually good for you.

I am from a fairly conservative area of the United States, and as with some other more conservative areas- there were all sorts of taboos about masturbation and what it would do to you.

No, I'm not saying that you have to masturbate if you currently aren't (but you would be in good company if you did-even if you have a partner) but there are plenty of benefits for it. I just want to help you to be an informed consumer.

I'm going to quickly highlight the one reason I feel the strongest about as a sexual educator:

Learning your personal roadmap

Have you ever been to a new city and you're not exactly sure where you're going ... and you're with someone who hasn't been to this city either? You feel kind of stressed out and awkward, but you have a smart phone that has GPS and you can sort of figure it out. It's not always easy and it may take you two some time to figure out where you're going but eventually you get there.

Contrast that to the same scenario but one of you is pretty familiar with where you are. Maybe they're not as familiar, but they know enough about the area that you don't really need your GPS and can sort of wing it. You can enjoy the car ride and looking at the scenery without being too concerned, because one of you knows the ropes.

...see where I'm heading with this?

Have you noticed how at ease you can be traveling with a local? Not only do they know exactly where they're going but they can take you to all the cool places you might not have found on your own. While its true that maybe you could have found that super delicious pancake house if you drove around enough- or stumbled on that really cool food truck- the added help of an expert will let you have the peace of mind that you're in good hands.

So let's talk about those hands.

Being a local doesn't mean you have to masturbate all of the time. Being a local may mean different things to everyone. I would suggest that you sit down and at least take a look at all you have to offer with a handheld mirror (that works a little easier for those of us who are female bodied) and check it out. This can be great for both personal and health reasons. Knowing what your body looks like when it is healthy can alert you to problems if you notice something doesn't look quite right. 

While I do suggest you test the waters on your own, you do not have to do this all the time if you feel uncomfortable doing so. This may just be a learning exercise for you and not an addition to your current sex life.

When you know what roads to take, and which roads to avoid (and which roads lead to dead ends) you can tell your partner and that will help your journey be all the more enjoyable. 

I want to reassure you that you are not a dirty/bad person for looking at your genitals. If you are concerned about this, aren't sure what you're seeing, would like some reassurance-- please reach out to me and I would be happy to coach you through exercises of learning your own, personal roadmap.

xoxo,

Jordan

What is a "Sex Coach"?

A sex coach is your ally. A sex coach is a sex-positive, holistic, non-therapy practitioner who helps you navigate your sexuality and helps you get the sex you want.

Through a personal, private and tailored approach you will be able to get the answers to the questions you've had.  Where you fall on the gender scale or orientation scale doesn't matter-- the goal with sex coaching is to help YOU get the sex that you are looking for.  

Sex coaching does not involve or require any nudity or touching from either clients or coaches and all of your information is classified and private. As a sex coach, I will never coerce, demand or pressure you into doing something you're not comfortable with. My job is to help you and provide information- not give you a timeline about when and how you should approach your sexual milestones.

Don't get me wrong, I'm going to do my best to help push you to hit your goals- I am a coach after all! Together as coach and client we make a team, and with goals in mind we will work together to achieve them. 

Due to the nature of our work, I only work with clients who are of legal age (18+). This helps me not get tangled up in red tape and allows me to go into detailed education without infringing on the rights of minors and their parents.

At the Smart Sex and Intimacy Institute we do one-on-one private coaching, couple coaching, group sessions (Including bachelor/bachelorette parties) and educational lectures. If you would like to have an expert guest speak to a school/religious/community event, please reach out to me!

What are you waiting for? Let's get you the sex life you DESERVE!